Self Surrender

It's been almost 2 months since my son had to self surrender to federal prison 5 hours from home & I'm just now writing about it. I can tell you now it was one of the hardest days of my life. I know now that my son is the most courageous man I've ever known. No one can ever change that in my eyes. How do you walk away from your entire life? Willingly?? He was suppose to be at the facility at 12 noon. Well, we got lost. It's in the most remote region of the earth that I have ever experienced. We arrived at about 12:10. It was over an hour from the hotel we were staying at because it's so far out in no man's land that there is nothing that resembles normal civilization any where near the facility. I only slept 3 hours the night before. I went to bed at 1am & was wide awake at 4am. I just went outside of the hotel & sat & thought this is it. By 1pm today he'll be gone for 16 months. I don't know how parents with children in the military survive because truthfully I think that would be even worse. At least my son is still in the United States. The military sends people to countries that are at war. I can't even imagine. The numbness that I felt that day is something I've never felt before. His whole life kept flashing before my eyes. Everything from his birth, him learning to walk, his first day of school, his basketball games he played in as a child. Then I looked at his son who was only 2 weeks old at the time & I was sickened. He was going to miss the first year plus more of his life. His girlfriend, his son, my oldest daughter & my granddaughter were all there with him to say our goodbyes. When we entered the facility no one even paid attention to us. I later realized it was a visiting day & they probably thought we were visitors. But we explained to the men at the front desk that my son was there to self surrender. They told us to wait in the visiting room & we were all on pins & needles. I can't even imagine how my son felt. But I kept thinking, I have to leave my kid here...out in the middle of no where, where he knows no one. I had promised myself that I wouldn't fall apart & that I would be strong for my son. We knew for 20 months that this day would come. You think that you have prepared yourself mentally & emotionally but I truly don't think that there is a way to possibly do that. I was so afraid. But in a way I was so ready. I wanted him to get this time over with because it had been my worst fear every single day for the last 20 months. I wanted the time to start so he could get it over with & come home, back to his life. We waited anxiously in the visiting room for an hour when someone finally came. They said ok, what's your name? They asked a few questions, like what was your charge, looked at his ID then said ok come with me. Just like that. I felt my world spinning out of control. The man said you can say your goodbyes first. My son's girlfriend lost it. My daughter lost it. I remained in control. I hugged him & said I love you & this is one step closer to the end. My son remained totally calm. He was consoling everyone & telling everyone it will be ok. Just stay strong. It'll be over soon. He has the heart of a lion. He was the one who had to self surrender & leave his family, his entire life & he was the strongest one. He started walking away with the man & my granddaughter starting screaming his name & running after him. My daughter really broke down then. I still remained calm until he walked through the 2nd set of doors & we couldn't see him anymore. Then I went outside & completely lost it. The ache in my heart was so severe. I was so sick to my stomach I really thought I would throw up. For about 10 minutes I don't even know what was going on. I was in such despair. This is different for me. I am his Mom. I carried him for 9 months inside of me & he's been one of the biggest parts of me for 25 years. I truly can't live without him. I cried most of the 5 hour ride home. Especially when I got home & had to bring his stuff in the house. I open his bag & just sat on the floor & cried. I didn't eat much the first few days. We didn't hear from him that day. But he called & emailed the next morning. We had to Western Union him money after we left the facility because in federal prison you have to buy everything...and I mean everything!! He went in with $700. That got him started but we have to send about $400 a month for him to buy his toiletries & anything else he needs. It also costs outrageously to call home & he emails a lot which also costs money. The last 2 months have been a learning experience for all of us. We've only visited once since he's been gone because it's so far away. We are going again next weekend. We are going to try to visit once a month. I've been working close to 70 hours a week to make sure I can support myself & him during this whole process. I think keeping busy has definitely helped. I'm doing much better than I ever thought I would. My son is doing really well too. He misses everyone & misses home. We all miss him so much. We can't talk everyday because he is only allowed 300 phone minutes a month so he has to use them wisely. I've packed up his clothes & the rest of his stuff in storage containers. We all just take it day by day. Every single day is one step closer to home. My house is so quiet. His girlfriend & son have moved closer to him so they can visit more often. She's actually from that area which I think is a blessing. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future. Only time will tell, but I do know that I can't wait for the day that I can go pick him up from that facility & he'll be free again. I truly won't be free until my son is. A part of my heart is confined & will remain that way until he's home.

Moments

the moments pass
each one a countdown
one moment closer
to when
you will leave
one moment more
of our time together
coming to a close
and though
I know
this time
must happen
- - the moment
when you go away
this journey
you must make
you'll never
be alone
I'll be with you
always
in your heart
your spirit
and forever
in your soul...

The Sentencing...

The days & weeks before sentencing you feel as though you are in another world. You go through motions of life or you think you are. But the anxiety is so overwhelming. My nephew got sentenced about 10 days before my son. I talked to my sister in law that morning just to check on her. I knew she hadn't slept & I just wanted to tell her by the end of the day she would know what was really going to happen & she would be able to start coming to terms with her son's fate. She was crying & worried sick & said, "I feel like I'm going to a funeral." & that's exactly what it feels like. There are few times that you wake up with such a sense of doom & loss & I have felt it the morning of a funeral of a person I loved dearly & the morning you are going to your child's sentencing. The pins & needles feeling is exaggerated times 100.  I can honestly say that I've had 3 children, 3 surgeries & I've never been so scared in all my life. The Judge does not know your child. The only thing he/she knows is the crime & the criminal history which is contained in what the government calls the PSI (Pre Sentencing Investigation) It's pages of every negative thing that your child has ever done for the Judge to review & make a fair decision with regards to sentencing. There is nothing in that report that is good.
It doesn't state that since the day my son was born he has been the most beautiful boy I've ever known. It doesn't state that his smile is worth more than anything money could ever buy. It doesn't mention that he's a great brother, a wonderful uncle & the most adored son in the world. There's no mention of his generosity, his kindness, his humorous personality...nothing about who he really is as a human being. So this Judge gets to make a decision about my son's freedom, safety & how long he must be punished by only knowing the bad things about him?? That somehow doesn't seem fair to me. A few bad things that a person has done does not rule out the hundreds of good things that they've done. Those things don't define him as a person. This judge doesn't know my child. She wasn't there when he was born, when he learned to sit up by himself, learned to crawl, walk, talk, use the bathroom. She doesn't know what his favorite toys were, what his Halloween costumes were, what his favorite movies are, his hobbies or how he's interested in news & sports. How in the hell can a fair decision be made?? I could have spoke at his sentencing but I just couldn't. I was truthfully afraid of what I might say. I didn't want it to hinder him in any way & I was so emotional & I feel I was too mentally unstable at that point to make a rational plea for him. Maybe I should have been stronger & stood up for my son but I just didn't have it in me. Just add that to my big list of guilt's that I've collected in my soul over this process.
I was shaking so bad on the 40 minute drive to the courthouse that I thought I might pass out. I'm not sure if this is actually humanly possible but I felt as though I could actually feel my blood traveling through my veins. At times it felt like sand & at times it felt like daggers. People were talking & things were going on around me but I was so numb & sick that I truly felt as though I was in a vegetative state. I may say this several times, I have never been so afraid, frightened, scared in my entire life. A lot of friends & family members came to support my son. I hope he felt the support. But I honestly never felt more alone. None of those people could help him or change any of this. It was just me, my son & God... thank you Lord for carrying me that day, thank you for helping me breathe, thank you for holding me & mostly thank you for giving my son the strength & courage to make it through one of the most difficult days in his life.
My son is expecting his first child, a son. I was certain that he would have to self surrender before his birth. The Judge was compassionate enough to extend his self surrender date until 2 weeks after his due date. My son's girlfriend ran out of the court room hysterically when the Judge stated this...we all thought she would have to go through child birth without my son. By the shear grace of God & the empathy of the Judge he will be here for the birth of his son, That haunted me constantly, that he wouldn't witness the birth of his first born child. That's just one of the many things I'm thankful for in this nightmare. I'm so thankful to Eric Holder, The United States Attorney General, for the new sentencing reform guidelines. I'm thankful that my son was appointed a great attorney who understood my emotional & sometimes overbearing motherly behavior. I'm so thankful for everyone at both of my jobs, from my bosses to my co-workers. Everyone has shown me such kindness & understanding. I'm thankful for my daughters who are now mothers & try their best to understand that I'm his Mom & I'm not going to handle this process the same as them because my son is a part of me as their children are a part of them. I'm so grateful for my beautiful Grandchildren & their hugs & kisses. They are sometimes they only people/things that make me happy & they are my light in all of this darkness.
My son was sentenced to 21 months. The rational part of my brain knows that this is great. That things could have been much worse. That 21 months isn't that long in time. His actual plea was for 27-33 months. The new sentencing guidelines helped change that. But this is my son. I've been his mother for 25 years. For 25 years he's been one of my 3 utmost priorities every day, 24 hours a day. So the emotional, mother part of me does not understand how I'm suppose to live every single day & night for 21 months knowing my son is confined, that he's far away from home, away from his child, his girlfriend, his mother, his sisters, his niece & nephew, everyone. He won't be home for holidays, birthdays or for life in general. How can I live every day worried for his safety, his well being, his health, his emotional & mental state. Please someone, anyone tell me how in the hell am I suppose to do this?? How am I suppose to live like this?? From the second a child is born, a mother is born & from that point on she vows to love, protect, nurture & care for this child, placing it's needs above her own. Well, that's what I've done. I just can't stop now. It doesn't stop. Just because your child grows older doesn't mean you love them less. A mother doesn't feel any different toward their child when they're 24 than they did when they were 2. A mother always remembers their child as that sweet little boy or girl that gave their life meaning. I am made up of 4 parts: 1/4 me, 1/4 my oldest daughter, 1/4 my son & 1/4 my youngest daughter. My children are who I am. With out all of these parts I am not whole. I can not function normally if I'm not a whole person.
I know my son isn't dead. I know it could be worse. I hear these comments that ignorant people make to me thinking they are helping me feel better. I don't want to hear that shit. That's why people who have loved ones incarcerated alienate themselves from people. Because people that have never lived through this don't have a clue about how it feels. They don't know the mourning & the grieving process that you are going through. Everyone needs to grieve in their own way. No two people grieve the same & people should never be judged going through a grieving process. I don't want to be told it could be worse, at least he's alive, it'll all be over soon or how do you think he feels? That's my worst nightmare & greatest worry, imagining how my son feels. I can't take away his pain, his hurt, his worry, his anxiety, I can't make this go away, I can't fix it for him. That is the major source of my pain, worry & hurt that I'm consumed with how he must feel & I don't think that people understand that. They don't understand this from a mother's perspective. When your child is hurt or going through anything challenging or disheartening a mother constantly takes on his or her pain as well as her own. So she's hurting twice, once for her child & once for herself. It's overwhelming. When your child is little & is sick with the flu or is hurt in any way a mother automatically wishes she could just take their pain & sickness from them so they would be ok. Any real mother can not stand to see her child hurting. It's an unbearable pain & this does not lesson as your child gets older. The issues & things that hurt them just change. You feel as a Mother you are strong enough to carry the pain, to bear the burden, you pray God please let me take his pain. What I really need is a hug, I need someone to listen to me rant & cry about the pain my child is going through. I need people to let me deal with this in my own way without judgement & to understand that I will miss him more than anyone can ever imagine...