It's been 1 year and 22 days since my son self surrendered to federal prison. I know the only way I've made it to this point is God. God gracefully carried me through this past 3 years of this nightmare. It did get easier with time. Visiting was always hard. Seeing the facility and knowing my son lived there and then leaving him there was a pain that was so very hard to bear. It broke me to pieces every single time. We aren't visiting anymore. My son only has 82 days until he is home!!! My nephew has been home for 2 weeks today. Being able to talk to my nephew and text him whenever I want is the best feeling ever. The first time I heard his voice as a free man I just broke down. I cried for about 5 minutes straight. He kept asking what was wrong and was I ok...I was more ok than I had been in a very long time. It was such a sense of relief, I had been waiting to exhale...Knowing he was finally free clarified that the nightmare was almost over. My dream is for our family to all be together again. It will take awhile because they both have to go through the halfway house and home confinement process but one fine day we will all be together.
Some days on this journey have been so very hard, like holidays and birthdays. Sometimes it's the simplest thing that breaks me down. Sometimes it's a simple thing that makes me smile. I just can't wait until my son can sleep in a real bed, his bed. The things a mother dreams of everyday when her child is in the situation are the simple things. Being able to see him, touch him, hear him without constraint or being monitored is a dream. Without time limits. I just want to feed him. I will be so elated with just his presence. I want to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and actually see him, just look at him and know that he is here, safe at home. I can't wait until he can be a father to his son. He's missed so much of his life already. Thank God his son is too young to know or remember any of this. That's proof that there are some blessings in all of this madness.
We email each other about 4 or 5 times a day. Some days my son has me look up stuff about sports or any other thing he's interested in. He has no access to the internet so I'm his gateway to the real world. There are so many times I've just wanted to call him and tell him something or text him something that I want him to see and that's very frustrating. Soon all of this will be behind us and I have lived for that day for the last 388 days. When you're a mother in this situation you aren't free. Yes in reality you are. But in your heart, soul and spirit you are so very confined. You wake up and go to sleep every single day knowing your child is imprisoned and it's so stifling. You go through the motions of everyday life but you're not living. You're merely existing. Unless you are the mother, you will never understand. I have met so many moms along the way that are living every day with this heartache just like me. It's hard but it really does help when someone totally understands your feelings. Believe me I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but it brings some comfort knowing that someone can relate to your pain and anguish.
I haven't posted anything for awhile because I've been so busy working so I can support myself and my son through all of this. Keeping him as comfortable as possible is the only thing I can do. It's the only thing I can control in this whole situation. It gives me peace and joy to send him money so he has everything he needs. I know so many people will never understand any of this. And maybe they aren't meant to. Be glad if you don't. But the other mothers will totally understand every single word and thought I've wrote. If I can help just one person on this journey then I will be ok with that. If I can show one person that I survived, that we all survived and made it through then I know it all mattered.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all the mothers who are living everyday as I have. May God bring you the peace and strength to continue your journey and support your child until ONE FINE DAY when he or she is FREE...
