Self Surrender

It's been almost 2 months since my son had to self surrender to federal prison 5 hours from home & I'm just now writing about it. I can tell you now it was one of the hardest days of my life. I know now that my son is the most courageous man I've ever known. No one can ever change that in my eyes. How do you walk away from your entire life? Willingly?? He was suppose to be at the facility at 12 noon. Well, we got lost. It's in the most remote region of the earth that I have ever experienced. We arrived at about 12:10. It was over an hour from the hotel we were staying at because it's so far out in no man's land that there is nothing that resembles normal civilization any where near the facility. I only slept 3 hours the night before. I went to bed at 1am & was wide awake at 4am. I just went outside of the hotel & sat & thought this is it. By 1pm today he'll be gone for 16 months. I don't know how parents with children in the military survive because truthfully I think that would be even worse. At least my son is still in the United States. The military sends people to countries that are at war. I can't even imagine. The numbness that I felt that day is something I've never felt before. His whole life kept flashing before my eyes. Everything from his birth, him learning to walk, his first day of school, his basketball games he played in as a child. Then I looked at his son who was only 2 weeks old at the time & I was sickened. He was going to miss the first year plus more of his life. His girlfriend, his son, my oldest daughter & my granddaughter were all there with him to say our goodbyes. When we entered the facility no one even paid attention to us. I later realized it was a visiting day & they probably thought we were visitors. But we explained to the men at the front desk that my son was there to self surrender. They told us to wait in the visiting room & we were all on pins & needles. I can't even imagine how my son felt. But I kept thinking, I have to leave my kid here...out in the middle of no where, where he knows no one. I had promised myself that I wouldn't fall apart & that I would be strong for my son. We knew for 20 months that this day would come. You think that you have prepared yourself mentally & emotionally but I truly don't think that there is a way to possibly do that. I was so afraid. But in a way I was so ready. I wanted him to get this time over with because it had been my worst fear every single day for the last 20 months. I wanted the time to start so he could get it over with & come home, back to his life. We waited anxiously in the visiting room for an hour when someone finally came. They said ok, what's your name? They asked a few questions, like what was your charge, looked at his ID then said ok come with me. Just like that. I felt my world spinning out of control. The man said you can say your goodbyes first. My son's girlfriend lost it. My daughter lost it. I remained in control. I hugged him & said I love you & this is one step closer to the end. My son remained totally calm. He was consoling everyone & telling everyone it will be ok. Just stay strong. It'll be over soon. He has the heart of a lion. He was the one who had to self surrender & leave his family, his entire life & he was the strongest one. He started walking away with the man & my granddaughter starting screaming his name & running after him. My daughter really broke down then. I still remained calm until he walked through the 2nd set of doors & we couldn't see him anymore. Then I went outside & completely lost it. The ache in my heart was so severe. I was so sick to my stomach I really thought I would throw up. For about 10 minutes I don't even know what was going on. I was in such despair. This is different for me. I am his Mom. I carried him for 9 months inside of me & he's been one of the biggest parts of me for 25 years. I truly can't live without him. I cried most of the 5 hour ride home. Especially when I got home & had to bring his stuff in the house. I open his bag & just sat on the floor & cried. I didn't eat much the first few days. We didn't hear from him that day. But he called & emailed the next morning. We had to Western Union him money after we left the facility because in federal prison you have to buy everything...and I mean everything!! He went in with $700. That got him started but we have to send about $400 a month for him to buy his toiletries & anything else he needs. It also costs outrageously to call home & he emails a lot which also costs money. The last 2 months have been a learning experience for all of us. We've only visited once since he's been gone because it's so far away. We are going again next weekend. We are going to try to visit once a month. I've been working close to 70 hours a week to make sure I can support myself & him during this whole process. I think keeping busy has definitely helped. I'm doing much better than I ever thought I would. My son is doing really well too. He misses everyone & misses home. We all miss him so much. We can't talk everyday because he is only allowed 300 phone minutes a month so he has to use them wisely. I've packed up his clothes & the rest of his stuff in storage containers. We all just take it day by day. Every single day is one step closer to home. My house is so quiet. His girlfriend & son have moved closer to him so they can visit more often. She's actually from that area which I think is a blessing. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future. Only time will tell, but I do know that I can't wait for the day that I can go pick him up from that facility & he'll be free again. I truly won't be free until my son is. A part of my heart is confined & will remain that way until he's home.